


The Guessing Game

by animeefairy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cheating, Choking, Confessions, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jealous Kuroo Tetsurou, Love Triangles, M/M, Mild Smut, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Multiple Pairings, Mystery, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Praise Kink, Reader-Insert, Secrets, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:00:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29396604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animeefairy/pseuds/animeefairy
Summary: In which Kuroo is your boyfriend, Kenma is your best friend, Asahi is your ex, and Tendou is in love with you. But remember, not all relationships are as they seem.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Kozume Kenma/Reader, Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader, Tendou Satori/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 123





	1. Dominos

**Author's Note:**

> Y/N is not gendered, and I have limited physical descriptors as much as possible for a universal reading experience. 
> 
> Inspired by a video that I posted on TikTok (https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMe8SuroJ/).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asahi cleared his throat, setting the tea down on the table. “So.”
> 
> You lifted your eyes to meet his gaze. “So.”
> 
> “Do you wanna talk about it?”
> 
> You paused, weighing your options. Did you want to finally tear down the formidable wall you had spent years building up around your true feelings for Kenma? Yes, very much so. Did you also want to bury those feelings deep in the back chambers of your heart and cover them with protective layers of denial? Also yes.

**To:** Azumane Asahi 

>> meet @ coffee monster, 15 min?

You gripped your phone with shivering hands, cold air biting at your thumbs as you typed out the brief message to Asahi and hit send. Almost immediately the device buzzed against your skin. 

**From:** Azumane Asahi

>> ofc. see u soon~

You let out a strained breath, and shoved your phone deep into your coat pocket before pulling your wool scarf up around your mouth and continuing down the steps at the back of the psychology building. Your only lecture for the day had just finished, leaving you plenty of time to grab coffee with Asahi before meeting up with Kenma at his apartment to study later that evening. 

Dark clouds were swiftly gathering across the late autumn sky, smothering the sunlight and bringing with them an icy chill that made your teeth chatter. The bare trees that lined the path through campus cast skeletal patterns across the ground, lacing around the feet of students bustling from one lecture hall to the next. You kept your head down, not wanting to accidentally run into the one person you should’ve felt the most comfortable with: your boyfriend, Kuroo. 

You and Kuroo had fought this morning. Usually, your fights were nothing more than pointless bickering about whose turn it was to choose a movie or whether you were going to eat out or stay in, but for the past few weeks every fight seemed to spiral out of control, ending with slammed doors and aching hearts. He’d been spending so much time in lab or at volleyball practice that you rarely saw him during the week. When you did get time alone together it never felt like he was fully with you, his eyes vacant and mind miles away. 

In his absence you had turned to your best friend, Kenma, for company. Kuroo seemed to despise this, and whenever he started his usual line of questioning — _what were you two doing, how long were you together, why didn’t you answer my texts_ — you pacified him with the reminder that Kenma was like a brother to you. The two of you had grown up together, following each other from daycare to university. If Kuroo would just pause and actually think through what he was suggesting, he’d remember that Kenma had been the one who introduced you two in the first place. Both boys had gone to the same volleyball training camp during a few high school summers and when Kuroo transferred to your university halfway through sophomore year, the three of you had become fast friends. But these facts always seemed to dissolve the moment they hit Kuroo’s ears, and the man’s jealousy spread like wildfire into a scorching insecurity that nothing you said could extinguish. 

“Do I even matter to you anymore?” Kuroo had spat this morning when you told him you had plans to study with Kenma that evening. The desperation clinging to his words made your heart clench in your chest, but you took the bait anyway.

“Who are you to even say that,” you had hissed back, words laced with venom and eyes sharp. “I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t about your classes, or your practice, or your friends, or whatever the fuck you want.” Your heartbeat was pounding in your ears and you could barely see as moisture clouded your vision.

The two of you went back and forth like that for almost twenty minutes, throwing out harsh accusations that neither of you truly meant. He called you selfish. You called him insecure. It was like a sick contest to see who could inflict the most damage, but instead of a trophy you were rewarded with two wounded hearts and unresolved frustrations.

And the worst part of it all? You _knew_ , regardless of how much you tried to suffocate the parasitic thought with excuses and denial, that you wouldn’t get so defensive if there wasn’t some truth to his paranoia. If your heart didn’t stutter in your chest whenever you heard Kenma’s quiet voice speaking your name. If you didn’t find yourself waking up at 3 A.M. from dreams that left a residue of golden eyes and dyed blond hair seared into your mind. If you didn’t feel a guilty satisfaction whenever Kuroo told you he had to stay late in the lab again.

“God, get a grip,” you muttered to yourself, shaking all thoughts of Kenma and Kuroo and your fucked up love life from your mind as you walked farther from the center of campus. The scuff of your feet against the brick sidewalk was amplified, mixing with the rustle of brittle leaves to create a grating soundtrack to your already bleak morning. Students were few and far between, the street mainly lined with small boutiques and seedy bars; weekend haunts that woke up once classes came to an end. 

You only came this way for one reason: Coffee Monster. The quiet cafe had been your go-to study spot ever since you stumbled upon it by accident when you were a freshman, and now it felt like a betrayal to order from anywhere else. Not only was the coffee better than any chain on campus, but the cozy atmosphere and quiet nooks were perfect for getting work done and avoiding the distractions that came with more popular study spots.

You pushed open the door to the small cafe, a rush of warm air hitting your face as you yanked your scarf down from around your mouth and made your way towards the bar. You didn’t recognize the girl working the register, your face dropping into a frown. _Hmm, she must be new_.

“One oat milk la—”

“—tte with two packs of sugar,” a voice finished for you. A tall man with bright red hair jumped up from behind the counter where he had been restocking milk cartons, eyes bright and smile as contagious as ever. “Iced or hot today?” 

“Hey Tendou,” you greeted as he straightened the maroon apron he wore and took over the register, sending the new girl back to the storeroom with the empty cartons. You nodded your head towards the storm building outside. “Better make it hot.” 

“Smart move,” Tendou nodded, entering your order into the register and taking your card from your outstretched hand. You watched as his slender fingers tapped away on the touchscreen. It was hard to explain, but something about his hands fascinated you. They were slightly too large for his frame, and he always had Band-Aids wrapped around the pads of various fingers. You wondered if he also bit his nails whenever he got nervous, a habit you had tried and failed to quit too many times to count.

“Hey, Y/N. Earth to Y/N.”

Your eyes moved back into focus as Tendou snapped those mesmerizing fingers just inches from your flushed face. 

“Sorry,” you laughed. “I guess I need that coffee more than I thought.”

Tendou exhaled a soft chuckle as he handed your card back. “Go sit down, I’ll bring it over to you when it’s ready.” 

You smiled back at him as he threw a wink your way before getting to work on your order. You and Tendou weren’t exactly friends, but he had talked you down from one too many late-night meltdowns fueled by caffeine and procrastination for him to fully be a stranger. Plus, he would always bring you an extra coffee if you were pulling an all-day study session, something you constantly promised to make up to him one of these days. Tendou was a grad student, studying journalism if you remembered correctly, but he would frequently ramble on about his dream to drop out and move to Paris to pursue life as a pastry chef or chocolatier.

You made your way over to a small round table in the back corner of the cafe, flanked by two cushioned armchairs and an overgrown fern. You sunk into the chair facing the front of the shop, the large window that opened onto the empty street allowing you to watch for Asahi while you waited for your coffee. 

As you sat in silence, memories of that morning’s fight started to creep back into your consciousness, and you couldn’t help but indulge in the pain. You began to replay your words on loop, attempting to pick apart and over-analyze every moment of the argument.

Almost as if on cue, the bell above the cafe door jingled, breaking your train of thought before it had the chance to careen off into a full-blown wreck. 

“Asahi,” you smiled, brushing off your sadness and standing to greet the man as he made his way towards your table. His skin was dewy and a few strands of hair had worked their way out of his usually well-kempt bun, framing his blushing face. You hoped he hadn’t run to meet you, but a part of you secretly enjoyed the fact that he still cared so much.

“I’m sorry if I kept you waiting,” Asahi said while collapsing into the chair across from you, his breath coming in unsteady huffs. “I was in the middle of helping Noya with his paper when you texted,” he admitted while unfurling the deep blue scarf that lay atop his shoulders. He glanced over at you, feigning exasperation. “Tell me again why you always have to pick the cafe farthest away from the center of campus?” 

You chuckled at his teasing jab. “Maybe because I don’t want to deal with the shitstorm that will come if anyone sees us together?” you responded. “Need I remind you that neither Kuroo nor Kenma have any clue we’re still friends? And that they both think you’re an absolute prick for dumping me,” you reached across the table to playfully hit his shoulder. 

A frown tugged at the corner of Asahi’s lips as he met your eyes, “And I realize that’s my fault. We’re just not ready to tell everyone the truth yet.” 

You nodded quickly. The truth was that Asahi had realized he was actually in love with his best friend Noya. While you had initially been hurt by the revelation, you had come to realize the two of you worked better as friends anyway, a typical result of relationships that bloom during freshman orientation week. The only roadblock to their happily ever after had been Noya’s family, who were still in the dark about his sexuality. You didn’t know the full story, but you just hoped the two of them could eventually be together without the pressure of secrecy. 

“I know, I know, I’m just teasing,” you said before changing the subject, not letting him spiral into the apologetic narrative you knew he was prone to spinning. “Plus you know this is my favorite spot. The coffee is unmatched and unlike the more popular spots I can actually hear myself think.”

At that moment Tendou slouched over to your table, fresh coffee in hand. He gave you the bright teal mug with a flourish before turning his attention to the new guest. You thought you saw his eyes narrow for a brief instant, but played it off as a trick of the light.

“Howdy there, anything I can get for you?” His words danced across the empty cafe, his joyful lilt making you smile. 

“Hm, do you have any herbal teas?” Asahi nervously rubbed the back of his neck. You suppressed a laugh as you watched him observe the tall man looming over him. Tendou could be a bit overwhelming at first glance, but you knew it was just a mask to cover a much softer side that you had seen a few times in the early hours of the morning when he let you stay past closing time to cram for midterms. 

“Do we ever!” Tendou exclaimed before counting off the various types. “Chamomile, ginger, hibiscus, rooibos, peppermint, lem—”

“Peppermint is fine, thank you,” Asahi interjected, clearly flustered by the other man’s boisterous energy. How he could put up with Noya on a daily basis, you would never know. 

Tendou froze mid-word, feigning disappointment at his impromptu song being cut short. Laughter bubbled up and broke through your lips, causing both men to glance your way. 

“I’m sorry,” you chuckled, taking a sip of your drink. You scowled as the blistering beverage washed over your tongue, mentally scolding yourself for not checking how hot it was before taking your first taste. “Please, continue.” 

Tendou smirked before turning back to Asahi. “Alright sir, one piping hot peppermint tea coming right up.” He dipped down into an exaggerated bow and turned on his heel, slinking back to the coffee bar to prepare the drink. 

“So you were with Noya before this, how’s he doing?” you asked, blowing on your drink in an attempt to cool it slightly before lifting it to your lips again. 

Asahi’s eyes twinkled at the mention of his boyfriend’s name. “Oh, he’s great, per usual. A ball of energy that just can’t seem to stay still long enough for me to catch my breath,” he said brightly. “It’s both a blessing and a curse.” 

You observed his face as he spoke, watching the tension around his brow release and his eyes melt into adoration. 

“How did you know?” Your mouth was moving before your brain could stop it.

“Know what?” 

“How did you know you were in love with your best friend?” you finished, voice trailing off in a whisper while your eyes locked on your lap where your hands had knotted together.

Asahi cleared his throat and let your question hang in the air for a moment before responding.

“Honestly? I think a part of me always knew.” 

You met his eyes again, your interest peaked. 

“Look, I wish I could tell you there was one obvious moment or sign that made it all click, but there just wasn’t,” he sighed, raking a hand through his hair and further disrupting the neatness of his bun. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Just try,” you pressed gently, “please.” 

Asahi leaned back in his chair, resting his hands behind his head and observing you closely before taking a breath. 

“Ok, you know that feeling when you come home after a long day of classes and practice and work and life and you’re just completely fucking spent? 

You wrinkled your brow. “This is going somewhere that actually makes sense, right?”

“Yes, just listen,” he dismissed your question with a wave of his hand and you drew your index finger and thumb across your lips in a zipping motion before nodding at him to continue.

Asahi took another breath. “But then once you’re home you get to curl up in bed and feel the weight of the day just melt away? Like you can finally breathe and be completely yourself?”

You nodded, fighting to push thoughts of late-night FaceTimes with Kenma from your mind.

“That’s how I feel every time I’m with him. It’s like, the world could be burning around us but if he was next to me I wouldn’t feel any fear. And I’ve never felt that with anyone else.” 

Asahi tucked a strand of loose hair behind his ear. “I guess that’s how I knew. When I realized that being with him felt like coming home.” 

Your breath caught in your throat as Asahi finished his thought. The man was so in love that you almost wanted to punch him, but his words awoke a feeling inside you that you couldn’t quite put your finger on just yet. Some part of you knew, however, that it was inexplicably linked to a boy with feline eyes and soft hands that were rarely seen without his phone. 

“Your tea.” 

Tendou’s voice snapped the two of you out of your respective thoughts, and Asahi extended a hand to grab the mug from his grip. 

“Ah, thanks man,” Asahi nodded, wrapping his large hands around the steaming cup and bringing it towards his nose, inhaling the sharp peppermint steam. You smiled at the way he shut his eyes and reveled in the simple pleasure. Asahi always seemed to appreciate the smallest moments and you envied him for that. Your mind was constantly buzzing off to the next thought, the next interaction, playing out twenty scenarios before one even had the chance to occur. You made a mental note to try to be more like Mr. Stop-And-Smell-The-Roses as you lifted your own mug to your lips.

“Enjoy, you two,” Tendou grinned. “My shift is ending soon but Yachi can grab you a refill on the house if you ask nicely, RIGHT YACHI?” 

The blonde girl that had been working the register when you arrived jolted at his loud roar, almost dropping the pot she was cleaning. She nodded her head aggressively, cheeks burning red at the attention. 

“No need to scare her, Tendou,” you joked, waving at Yachi as she tried to compose herself. It only made her blush harder.

“Ah, just a bit of playful hazing, nothing too serious,” he winked. “She could stand to loosen up a bit anyway.” 

You rolled your eyes in response, taking another sip of your latte and watching as Tendou slipped off towards the back room.

Asahi cleared his throat, setting the tea down on the table. “So.”

You lifted your eyes to meet his gaze. “So.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

You paused, weighing your options. Did you want to finally tear down the formidable wall you had spent years building up around your true feelings for Kenma? Yes, very much so. Did you also want to bury those feelings deep in the back chambers of your heart and cover them with protective layers of denial? Also yes. 

“I don’t think I’m there yet,” you mumbled, bringing your right thumb between your teeth and tugging on the skin around your nail bed.

Asahi reached over and grabbed your hand away from your mouth. “And that’s fine. No need to rush it,” he smirked and you exhaled through your nose, smiling at the irony. It had taken Asahi nearly 19 years to admit his feelings for Noya, and they seemed to work out just fine.

“But,” he continued, raising an eyebrow. “If you're doubting your relationship with Kuroo I don’t think it’s fair to string him along like this.” 

You didn’t like where this was going. Kuroo was the last person you wanted to think about right now, and Asahi must have gathered that from the way your eyes went dark at the mention of his name. He quickly changed the subject, asking a pointless question about your psychology class that morning, but you were grateful for the distraction.

Your conversation continued in a comfortable rhythm for the next twenty minutes, questions about school and life volleyed back and forth between sips and smiles. By the time your cups were empty, the two of you had caught each other up on everything from your latest literary obsession to his plan for the end of term design showcase he had been asked to participate in. 

Asahi eventually pulled his phone from his pocket, checking the time.

“Ah, I should really get back to Noya,” he admitted. “I don’t trust him to get any work done on his own and he’s already gotten two extensions on this paper.”

“And I need to go home and come up with a believable excuse for what I was up to all morning,” you laughed. “I truly can’t wait for the day you and Noya finally admit to your relationship so we can just be normal friends without people wondering if we’re secretly still madly in love.” 

Asahi’s lips curved into a sad smile as he stood, grabbing his scarf off the back of the chair and slinging it around his shoulders. “One day, and that’s a promise.”

You rose from your chair, walking around the table to hug your friend goodbye. Asahi pulled you into a warm embrace, your face nuzzling against the soft knit of his sweater. 

“Thank you,” you mumbled into his chest. “For everything.” 

“Don’t mention it, Y/N, you know I’ll always be here for you.” You craned your neck back to look at his smiling face, a grin sliding its way onto your lips in response.

It was in that brief moment that you noticed movement outside the cafe window, and the smile was wiped from your face as your heart stuttered out of beat. You blinked, not wanting to believe what you just saw, but even wrapped to the nose in a large scarf and bundled in a coat that was one size too big, you would recognize those brown roots and bleached blond hair anywhere. 

“Shit,” you cursed under your breath, watching as Kenma’s golden eyes grew wide at the sight of you embracing Asahi through the window. Asahi furrowed his brow in confusion, before turning to look over his shoulder and follow your gaze. 

Panic raced through your veins like a toxin, and the floor dropped out from under you. You couldn’t move, even as you saw Kenma flick his head away from the window and shove his hands into his pockets, continuing down the street, away from the cafe, away from you, away from any chance you had to explain yourself. When his small frame had fully disappeared past the window’s edge, you finally snapped out of your stupor. _Go. Stop him._

You peeled Asahi’s large arms off your shoulders and sprinted towards the door, ignoring him as he called your name. Just as you were about to exit the cafe to chase after Kenma, you felt Asahi’s rough hand wrap around your wrist, holding you back. 

“Stop,” he stated, voice as firm as his grip. “What is that going to accomplish.”

You spun to face him, eyes frantic and unfocused. This couldn’t be happening, he couldn’t have seen you, no it must have been some other boy with dyed hair and golden eyes and a cautious gait and—

“Y/N. Look at me.” Asahi leaned down until he reached your eye level. You locked in on his calm face, eyes open and warm. 

“I—” you choked out, voice breaking. “I have to go, I can still catch him, he couldn’t have gone far—”

Asahi tightened his grip on your wrist, shaking his head. “Let him go. You’ll have plenty of time to explain it to him later. Trying to now will only add unnecessary drama to something that isn’t actually a big deal.” 

Your pulse raced against your skin, mind spinning off in infinite directions. _But what if he thinks that I’m back with Asahi, that I’m cheating on Kuroo? What if he thinks I’m lying to him? That I broke his trust?_ The thoughts made your vision blur and your mouth go dry. 

Asahi pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, gnawing on the soft skin as he waited for your decision. You had already asked so much of him today, and you couldn’t bring yourself to implicate him in the inevitable meltdown that was brewing just below the surface. 

You took a breath before plastering a smile on your face, the corners of your mouth pulling a bit too tight to feel natural.

“You’re right, per usual.” Your voice was like syrup, much too sweet and thick with an artificial confidence that you knew Asahi would likely see right through. He watched you closely, but you kept your smile in place, crinkling the corners of your eyes for added effect. Finally, Asahi sighed and released his fingers from where they were locked around your wrist.

“Seriously, it’s fine” you reaffirmed. “I’ll just text him once I get back to my apartment. Plus we had plans tonight, and I doubt he’d flake so I can just explain then.” Your tone was so sincere that you almost believed yourself. 

Asahi sighed, readjusting his book bag on his shoulder and tucking a rogue hair back into his bun. “If you say so.” His words were laced with doubt. “But I can stay if you’d like, or at least walk you home.” 

“No,” you dismissed his offer, waving him towards the door. “You’ve left Noya to his own devices for far too long already. I’ll text if I need anything, but I promise you I’m alright now.” That was a lie. All you really wanted was to be left alone so you could drop the act and cry without the pressure of Asahi’s pitying gaze on you. 

Asahi finally nodded, yielding to your words, before pulling you into another hug. “Anything you need, I’m just one text away.” 

He pulled open the door and stepped into the cold, wrapping his scarf tighter around his face and giving you a final wave as he set off towards the library. 

Once he was out of sight, you turned back to collect your belongings from the vacated table, body moving without your mind processing the actions. You threw on your coat in a daze and waved a passive goodbye to Yachi before tripping out the door onto the street.

You didn’t end up making it very far, choosing to turn the corner and slump onto the wooden bench that sat near the back exit of Coffee Monster. Your head fell unceremoniously into your hands as you keeled over, pressure rising in your throat while you tried to quiet the static that filled your head. You were grateful for the biting wind that snapped at your skin, raising goosebumps along your cheeks and grounding you in reality. 

“God,” you breathed out in a rush. You silently scolded yourself for your overreaction, but the combined stress of the fight this morning, the conversation with Asahi, and Kenma’s sudden appearance was too much for you to bear. 

Just then the back door swung open and a person sauntered out, followed by the smell of smoke and coffee. You angled your head to peek out from your hands and saw Tendou’s lithe figure a few meters to your left, half-smoked cigarette hanging from his lips and backpack in hand. He opened his mouth to greet you but paused, words catching in his throat as his eyes studied your deflated posture and disheveled appearance.

“Y/N, you okay?” Tendou tossed his cigarette to the ground and extinguished it with the tip of his scuffed Converse. He moved to sit next to you on the wooden bench, nudging your shaking knee with his own and leaving it pressed into you in an attempt to slow your nervous bounce. His touch snapped you from your thoughts and you turned to meet his open gaze, bottom lip trembling. 

Tendou spoke your name again, so softly that it barely reached your ears. The tenderness in his voice made you forget how to breathe. 

Before you had time to stop yourself, a sob swelled in the back of your throat and you were crying, your body convulsing with loud and uncontrollable gasps. In an instant Tendou was crouched in front of you, his limbs draping around you and bringing you into his chest. Your shoulders shook violently as tears fell from your cheeks, soaking through the shoulder of his black hoodie. The realization that you should probably feel embarrassed flashed through your mind, but you let it pass, allowing your body to collapse into vulnerability.

The quiet murmur of Tendou’s voice enveloped you as he whispered a string of hushed words against your ear. The _it’s alright_ s and _please breathe_ s mixed with your name on his lips soothed your exhausted heart, and eventually your hiccupping sobs settled.

You withdrew your head from his shoulder and he pulled back, wide eyes appraising your swollen face and tear-stained cheeks. He reached out hesitantly, like someone approaching a frightened animal, and gently moved a strand of hair from your forehead. You tensed when the pads of his fingers brushed against your skin and he withdrew his touch. 

You were suddenly aware of how close Tendou’s face was to yours; you could almost taste the bitter nicotine on his breath as he watched you, waiting for your next move. You took the chance to study his features up close, eyes tracing over the sharp peak of cheekbones, down across the faint freckles that dusted his nose, resting briefly on the soft swell of his lips. They were slightly chapped from the cold weather, and as if he had heard your thoughts, his tongue slipped out to wet them. Your eyes flickered back up to meet his gaze, pulse racing against your permission.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, warmth rushing to your face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.”

He reached his hand towards you once more, this time lightly gripping your chin between his long fingers. “Please, never apologize to me for something like that again,” he hummed, the gentle purr of his words vibrating against your skin as he closed the space between you and pushed his lips against yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did I plunge Y/N into absolute love triangle chaos? The world may never know. 
> 
> (Will it get any better soon? Probably not.)
> 
> As always, thank you so much for being here. See you next chapter.


	2. Risk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I said,” he exhaled on a shaking breath, “I’m sorry.” 
> 
> “For what?” The words scratched at your throat, and you chased them with a small cough in a failed attempt to hide the nervous energy vibrating in your vocal cords.
> 
> Kuroo shut his eyes again, rubbing large fingers into his temples. He readjusted slightly, angling his upper body so it faced you, his right arm draping across the back of the couch. 
> 
> “I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is gender-neutral smut in this chapter. It isn’t the point of the story, so it’s not super detailed, but it’s there. I’ve marked the beginning and end of the section with asterisks if you’d like to skip it. As always, minors please do not interact with any NSFW content. Thank you!

_Stop._

You flinched, muscles tensing.

_Pull back._

Tendou’s lips brushed against yours, featherlight and cautious.

_I can’t do this, I can’t—_

You felt Tendou’s tongue slide against your bottom lip, asking for an invitation or rejection, but you couldn’t bring yourself to answer. You were too overwhelmed by the suddenness of his action, the heady flavor of smoke on his breath, the feeling of his fingers against your chin as he tilted your head towards his. Above all else, you were surprised at just how _comfortable_ his lips felt against yours. Without thinking, you leaned into his touch, letting his intoxicating taste distract you from the guilt curling itself around your gut. The only thing you could focus on was his mouth moving against yours, thoughts of Kuroo and Kenma dissolving with each passing second that Tendou’s lips pressed into your skin. His tongue slipped out again, making contact with your lips, testing the boundaries of the kiss. It was then that you realized you wanted him to continue, wanted to taste his tongue against yours, wanted to lose yourself in his touch. Panic sparked against your nerves, and you placed both hands on Tendou’s chest, pressing gently against his sternum.

Tendou paused, lips lingering for a brief moment before pulling back. He dropped his forehead against yours, warm breath wafting over your face, drying the tears that lay fresh upon your flushed cheeks. You opened your eyes and were greeted by his, pitch-black and filled with something akin to hunger. The shadow of Tendou’s lashes trembled against his skin as he blinked, slowly, almost as if he was reluctant to take his eyes off you at all. You exhaled a shaking breath as he ran the pad of his thumb over your lips before pulling away completely.

“Tendou, I—”

You faltered, words falling from your lips in a hoarse whisper. Thoughts swirled around your brain at a dizzying speed, slipping through the grasp of consciousness and pulling forth a headache in their wake. You cleared your throat and looked down at your hands tangling together in your lap.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Tendou interjected, and you felt the tension threading between your shoulder blades release. You glanced over at him, watching as he dropped his head into his hands and released a heavy sigh.

“I shouldn’t have done that.” Tendou’s words dissolved into his palms, almost inaudible. “Not right now.”

You kept your eyes on his hunched figure, all limbs and angles and bone, his ankles peeking out from beneath too-short jeans.

“You were trusting me to comfort you and I had to pull that fucking move.” Tendou let out a sharp laugh, raking a hand through his hair. “Now I look like a Grade-A asshole, huh?”

“Look, I’m the one who started sobbing into your arms, if anyone should be apologizing it’s me,” you offered, trying to lighten the mood.

Tendou shook his head before turning to look at you, his face clouded with an emotion you couldn’t quite place.

“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been wanting to do that for a while,” Tendou said, fiddling with one of the Band-Aids wrapped around his right index finger. “But even I can admit my timing was pretty tragic. I totally get it if you just wanna pretend it never happened.”

You quietly observed him. Despite the frown tugging at the corner of Tendou’s lips, his eyes looked almost—hopeful? You felt your stomach twist at the realization.

“I don’t think I could forget that,” you finally said. And it was the truth. Despite all the warning bells that had been ringing in your head, something about the kiss felt so natural that you had to fight to keep yourself from leaning in again.

“But Tendou, I need to—”

You watched the corner of his mouth flinch.

_I need to tell you that I have a boyfriend._

Your lips hung open like you were waiting for the words to be spoken of their own volition. You flexed your fingers against the cold air, trying to jolt your body into motion as you watched Tendou fidget in the silence. For whatever reason, you just couldn't seem to force the second half of your thought into existence.

“I need to get going, I promised a friend I’d meet them to study and I have to stop by my place first,” you finished. Your voice was calm and level as you attempted to suffocate the anxiety swelling in the back of your throat. This was just a one-time thing. A very bizarre, very disconcerting thing, but a one-time thing nonetheless. There was no real reason that Tendou needed to know about Kuroo. At least, not yet.

An odd expression flickered across Tendou’s face as you spoke, one you weren’t used to seeing. Doubt? Disappointment? Whatever it was, it disappeared almost instantly as he offered you a wide smile before climbing to his feet and slinging his backpack across his shoulder.

“Want me to walk you?”

“Nah, I’ll be alright, it’s only a few blocks.” You stood with him, readjusting your scarf and tucking a few flyaway hairs behind your ears, which were painfully numb from the winter chill.

Tendou slipped a pack of cigarettes from the back pocket of his jeans, tapping out a fresh one and placing it between his lips.

“Alrighty Y/N,” he mumbled around the cigarette as he flicked his thumb against his lighter, flame igniting for a brief moment, gone as quickly as it appeared. He inhaled deeply, chest expanding as the smoke traveled into his lungs.

“Get home safe, okay?” Tendou’s eyes were locked on yours, unblinking. “I’ll see you soon.” His words sounded more like a plea than a fact.

“Of course,” you nodded, a bit too vigorously. “You know I can’t function without your coffee.” You cringed at the awkward excuse, but it felt necessary. Like you needed to reassure him—and yourself—that you wouldn’t let this change anything. Or, at least you would try your very best not to.

Tendou flicked the ash from the tip of his cigarette and gave you one last smile before turning to walk towards the graduate school, which sat across the river that divided the campus.

“And Tendou,” you called after him. Tendou turned instantly, eyes meeting yours. He looked so much smaller than usual, his lanky shoulders caving slightly forward.

“Thank you.”

Tendou’s mouth twisted into a grin, eyes crinkling against the cold. “Anytime.”

You watched his figure disappear around the corner of the building before readjusting your backpack on your shoulder and walking in the opposite direction.

It was only in the silence that came with being completely alone that you realized your mind was buzzing, conflicting thoughts and feelings stirring together into a discordant pressure that sat heavy against your temples. You could feel tears stinging the corners of your eyes so you wiped frantically at your face with the back of your hand, winter wind nipping at your skin and making you wince.

What the fuck had just happened.

Tendou, your friendly neighborhood barista who served you your favorite coffee and listened to you gripe about your overdue assignments, had kissed you. _Kissed you_. After you had collapsed into his arms, face stained with tears and snot. All because Kenma had seen you embracing your ex-boyfriend who you were allegedly supposed to hate.

 _Fuck._ You had nearly forgotten about that part.

You pulled your phone from your coat pocket and paused to look at the stack of notifications that were piled up on your lock screen.

**Kuroo Tetsuro**

Missed Calls - 7

 _I can’t deal with that right now_. You swiped up on the screen and opened your texts, tapping out a brief message.

 **To:** Kozume Kenma

>> still on for tonight right? 7:30 ur place??

Short, casual, straight to the point. _You’ll have plenty of time to explain it to him later._ Asahi’s advice from earlier started to replay in your mind, and you silently thanked him for being your much-needed voice of reason. _Trying to now will only add unnecessary drama to something that isn’t actually a big deal._ You nodded to yourself and hit send.

As you walked, you kept glancing at your phone screen, locking and unlocking the display as if that would somehow force a notification to appear. Kenma always had his phone on him, so a late response was rare. No, not rare. A late response meant that he saw your message, and actively made the choice to ignore you.

You shook your head and moved to drop your phone back into your pocket, but just then it let out a sharp buzz against your hand and you felt your heart rate jump.

But the buzz kept going at steady, measured intervals, and disappointment quickly doused the nervous energy spiking in your chest. There’s no way Kenma would be calling you. Unless, of course, he had somehow managed to sprain both his thumbs playing games, and even then you were certain he would figure out another way to communicate that didn’t involve talking over the phone. You pulled your hand back from your pocket and glanced at the screen.

Strange.

“Kiyoko? What’s up.”

“Where are you?”

You looked around, wondering if your former roommate had spotted you from the window of a nearby shop. “On Main, like a block from my apartment. Why?”

There was a pause, followed by a shallow sigh. “You forgot about the group project didn’t you?”

_Oh._

“...For psych class.”

_Shit._

“...That’s due tomorrow.”

You brought one hand up to pinch the bridge of your nose between your thumb and forefinger.

“Nope, didn’t forget.” You forced out the lie through gritted teeth.

Silence.

“Ok fine, fine. I forgot,” you huffed into the receiver, moving your fingers to rub tight circles against your temple. “Where are you guys, I’ll head over right now.”

“Second floor of the Starbucks near the quad, we’re at the big table near the back.”

“Yeah got it, I’m on my way, gimme like ten minutes.” You turned on your heel and started the long walk back towards campus.

“Oh, and Kiyoko?”

“Yes?”

“Please tell me you have some Advil.”

—

You left the coffee shop three tedious but productive hours later, the psychology project completed and your head marginally less sore thanks to the Advil and multiple bottles of water Kiyoko had forced into you during the study session. Although you didn’t want to admit it, her strict “no phones allowed” policy also probably helped. You had tried to get a few glances in before Kiyoko calmly stacked everyone’s phones face down on the table, effectively preventing you from overanalyzing your text to Kenma like you had been itching to do since you sent it.

However, as you started your trek back to your apartment and pulled open your messages, you knew another headache was imminent.

 **Read**.

The four letters sat below your text to Kenma, inked into the screen, almost mocking in their finality. _Fuck_. You felt your heart drop into your gut as the familiar burn of bile bit at the back of your throat.

Kenma had left you on read because of...what? Asahi? Was he just busy? Maybe something had come up right when he opened your text that then prevented him from responding for...hours? The more you thought about it, the more ridiculous it seemed. No, Kenma had left you on read for a very calculated reason, there was no getting around that. You were going to have to do some damage control, but that could wait, at least until after you downed a glass of wine and had some time to unwind. For now, you decided to focus all of your remaining energy on suppressing the anxiety that was plucking at your worn-out nerves.

You eventually arrived at your street, fingers nearly frozen in their grip around your phone. Still no response from Kenma, not that you even expected one at this point. You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth as you reluctantly shoved your phone back into your pocket, swapping it out for your key ring and opening the door to the lobby.

The building’s warm artificial air washed over your shivering skin, a welcome reprieve from the winter chill. The large central staircase extended upward before you, and you cursed under your breath.

“If only I had chosen a building with an elevator,” you mumbled into the silence before starting to climb the five flights of stairs. These were the cons of attempting to live alone at your age; with only your income from your part-time job and a small grant from the school, your living options had been limited.

It’s not like you hadn’t tried the whole roommate thing. You’d had roommates during your first two years on campus, but never quite managed to adapt to the complications that came with communal living. Kiyoko had actually been the first, and while the two of you got on well enough, she had an unfortunate habit of waking up at 5 A.M. that didn’t mix with your night owl tendencies. When you were looking for studio apartments at the start of the academic year, Kuroo had managed to convince you that the five-flight climb would do you good. Easy for him to say; the man was naturally built like a Greek god and volleyball kept him in perfect shape, something that you were both envious of and grateful for.

You rolled your eyes, breath heavy as you reached the third landing. The main reason Kuroo had been so adamant that you move into this apartment was that the building was only a block away from the three-bedroom spot he shared with his teammates, Bokuto and Tsukishima. You had to admit it was convenient living so close, especially during the winter months when your motivation to leave your apartment for anything other than class and work hit zero.

Well, it _used_ to be convenient.

You pushed through the last two flights, arriving at your floor with a huff and turning left down the long hall. The dim lights cast a soft orange glow across the white walls, pulling out smudged shadows from the uneven surface. Delicate cracks traced across the aged paint and up into the decorative molding, something you thought gave the place a bit of charm. Kenma, on the other hand, always teased you about the old building, saying it was straight out of one of the horror games he played. He would laugh softly, saying how one day a monster might actually pop out from behind a corner, and how you would have no clue how to defeat it, and _oh Y/N you should play with me to practice how you’ll take it down_ , _your skills are pretty rusty—_

You were so consumed by your thoughts that you didn’t notice the tall figure leaning against your door until it was already too late to turn around. Unfortunately, there wasn’t an easy combination of keys to hit that would defeat this one.

“Why are you here.”

Kuroo looked up from his phone. “You weren’t answering my calls.” He held up the illuminated screen and jiggled it in your face, showing a string of outgoing calls to your contact. Dark circles sat heavy under his narrowed eyes, his creased brow shaded by unkempt hair. He looked absolutely exhausted, but so were you and God forbid if you were going to let Kuroo Tetsurou get in the way of your evening plans to down a bottle of wine and pout over your catastrophic day.

You elbowed Kuroo out of your way as you fumbled with your key ring, trying your best to keep your hand from shaking as you unlocked the door. “And you didn’t think that maybe there was a reason for that?”

You pushed past Kuroo and into your apartment, kicking off your sneakers and hanging your coat on the rack beside the door, eyes trained forward. The studio was small but comfortable; the entrance hallway held your bathroom and a storage closet, before opening into a single room separated into three areas. A kitchenette lined the right wall while your couch sat in the middle of the space, facing a TV suspended between two windows that boasted a surprisingly decent view of the river. A floor-to-ceiling bookshelf framed the left edge of the sofa, separating the general area from your bedroom on the other side.

You stepped further into the apartment and heard Kuroo’s shoes drag against the hardwood as he closed the door behind him. _Fuck this._ You spun around on your heel, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Did I invite you in?”

“Don’t give me that shit,” Kuroo snapped back, draping his black wool coat over yours on the rack and removing his sneakers before running a large hand through his perpetually mussed hair. “We need to talk about this morning.”

“Maybe I don’t wanna talk about this morning,” you huffed, turning your back on him and walking around the couch, beige cushions sighing as you collapsed onto them. “I’ve had a shit day and this conversation is just gonna make it shittier.”

“Oh, so it’s all up to you, is it?” Kuroo followed behind you, voice sounding tight in his throat. “It doesn’t matter what I want? Doesn’t matter that I’ve been halfway to losing my fucking mind since you stormed out this morning?” He sat on the coffee table across from you, leaning forward until his forearms rested against his knees. The sleeves of his white button-down shirt were rolled up past his elbows, exposing the tail of the koi tattoo that wrapped around his bicep.

Kuroo’s eyes blazed through you, anger crackling dangerously like agitated embers, and you felt yourself burning under his gaze. His defensive behavior was expected at this point, but something about his attitude felt different tonight, more volatile and agitated than normal. You shook your head, breathing out through your nose. In any other circumstance you would’ve refused to engage in an argument when he was clearly so wound up, but with the way your day had been going, it felt nearly impossible to hold back.

“Well how am I supposed to know that?” You sniped, tone brisk and biting. You clenched your fists, letting the pinch of your nails against the soft skin of your palms distract you from the pain of what you were about to say.

“I never know what you’re thinking anymore because, for whatever fucking reason, you’ve stopped telling me.”

Kuroo’s eyes widened, almost imperceptibly, before he dropped his gaze to the carpet, toeing at the gray shag through his socks. Odd. Kuroo wasn’t usually the type to resort to avoidance. You studied his face, watching his jaw pulse as he clenched his teeth. There was a slight shadow carving out the hollows of his cheeks, and you realized he must have forgotten to shave.

You sighed, closing your eyes as you let your head fall against the back of the couch. You knew that the animosity you were feeling wasn’t directed towards him. The searing guilt boiling you from the inside out could tell you that much. Thoughts of Tendou’s kiss and your increasingly uncertain feelings towards Kenma pressed forward in your mind, suppressing logic and reason until you didn’t even know _what_ you were feeling. But whatever it was, you couldn’t suppress it any longer or you were sure your nerves would split open at the seams.

You took a breath, and let the guilt and confusion consuming your body turn to dangerous admissions on your lips.

“You wanna know why I prefer spending time with Kenma?” You opened your eyes but kept them trained on the ceiling. Kuroo was silent.

“It’s because he actually talks to me.”

A pause. You heard Kuroo’s lips part.

“I talk to you, just yesterday we—”

“I’m not talking about stupid shit like class or practice or how the chicken in the dining hall was undercooked,” you barked, not letting him interrupt. Stopping would mean that you’d actually have time to think through what you were saying, and right now it was easier to just let yourself press on, unrestrained by better judgment. “I’m talking about real shit, Kuroo.”

Silence.

“I’m talking about how we used to stay up all night going on about what we want to do with our lives, or debating whether or not Mars can sustain life, or if we should get a hamster or a cat after graduation,” you laughed wetly, suddenly aware of the tears stinging at your eyes. You blinked them back and carried on.

“You used to tell me every little thought that was on your mind and I loved that. I loved feeling like I knew a part of you that nobody else got to see.” You let your eyes trace along a crack in the ceiling as you spoke, anything to keep you from focusing too intensely on what you were saying. “But now it’s just—”

“It’s just what.” A strained urgency laced itself around Kuroo’s words, and you shut your eyes again.

“It’s just not the same. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

You could feel yourself careening off towards a confession you weren’t quite ready to make, but it was like your body had lost feeling, your lips letting out thoughts without permission or concern.

“And Kuroo, I just don’t think I—”

Without warning, a muffled sob echoed through your apartment, instantly shattering the tension.

You snapped your head forward, unspoken declaration dissipating into the shadows cast across the room by the swiftly setting sun. Kuroo sat before you, forearms pressing into his knees, large body folded in on itself, face hidden behind shaking hands. The two of you had been together for almost a year, but you had never seen Kuroo cry. But now, in the low light of early evening, the sounds coming from his trembling body were unmistakable.

It frightened you, seeing Kuroo so vulnerable. The confident facade he wore so naturally was fracturing before your eyes, and you had _no fucking clue_ how to react. Would physically comforting him help? Maybe he doesn’t like being touched when he’s this upset. Does he want you to ask what’s wrong? Would that just make him retract even further?

Kuroo suddenly let out a particularly painful-sounding sob, like he was doing everything he could to suppress the noise as it wracked through his body. You blinked rapidly, jolting yourself out of your train of thought. Overthinking this was probably as far from the correct answer as you could get.

You cautiously knelt down onto the carpet between Kuroo’s legs and ran a hand through his hair, watching as the displaced strands immediately relaxed back into place across his forehead. When he didn’t pull away, you leaned in to press soft kisses onto the crown of his head, bringing both of your hands up to rub slow circles into his tensed shoulders.

Eventually, Kuroo’s breath began to slow, and his sobs dried up into thin sniffles. You rose to your feet and pulled him with you, guiding him a few steps back so he could sit on the couch. The moment Kuroo collapsed into the overstuffed cushions his body visibly unraveled, long limbs sprawling recklessly across the sofa. He always did manage to take up a ridiculous amount of space. You rotated so that you were facing him, your back resting against the arm of the couch and legs draped loosely over his lap.

“I’m sorry.”

Your jaw tensed. “What?”

Kuroo lifted his head slightly to meet your gaze, and you felt your throat tighten at the sight of his eyes. They glistened in the dim light, thick lashes clumping together under the weight of the tears that still clung to his lower lids. Your heart stuttered out of time—Was it too fast? Too slow?—and you wondered if this was what it felt like to have it break.

“I said,” he exhaled on a shaking breath, “I’m sorry.”

Your mouth was bone-dry, and your tongue felt too big as it pressed awkwardly against the backs of your teeth. “For what?” The words scratched at your throat, and you chased them with a small cough in a failed attempt to hide the nervous energy vibrating in your vocal cords.

Kuroo shut his eyes again, rubbing large fingers into his temples. He readjusted slightly, angling his upper body so it faced you, his right arm draping across the back of the couch.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

A barbed panic was quickly coiling around your lungs, each breath suddenly requiring conscious, calculated effort. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

“I know I’ve been distant lately and it’s—” Kuroo dropped his hands into his lap beside your legs, absentmindedly tracing along the seams of your pants. _Inhale._ His lip twitched slightly, eyebrows knitting together. He was clearly deep in thought, grappling against some unknown internal struggle. _Exhale._ You felt your muscles tense as you braced for impact.

_Repeat._

“The head of the chem department nominated me for an exchange program that our school has with Cambridge,” Kuroo said, voice barely rising above a whisper, eyes locked on the twist and turn of his hands as they worked a nervous dance in his lap.

You breathed out tentatively and leaned back against the arm of the couch, brow furrowing. “But that’s great—”

“It’s a two-term program,” he interrupted.

 _Inhale_.

“I’d be there all of senior year.”

Your throat closed around your exhale, blood turning cold in your veins. That was the last thing you had expected to hear. You blinked at Kuroo, eyes wide.

“When did you find out?”

“About a month ago.”

A month ago. A month ago was when Kuroo had started spending later nights in the lab, longer stretches of time at practice.

“Why didn’t,” you started, eyes locked on his face but not really seeing anything, mind spinning as you tried to make sense of what Kuroo was saying. “Why didn’t you tell me then?” You could feel your panic transforming into bitter anger, and you tucked your lower lip between your teeth to keep yourself from saying what you really meant. _Maybe then I wouldn’t have pulled away from you. Maybe I wouldn’t have turned to Kenma._

Kuroo released a sharp exhale, and the noise was injected with such intense spite that you were forced to pull your eyes back into focus. Kuroo’s lips had split into an acerbic smirk, but his eyes stayed downcast. “Because I’m a selfish prick.”

Kuroo’s caustic tone caught you completely off-guard. You weren’t used to hearing him sound so...self-loathing? Cynical? Your eyes darted across his face, trying to make sense of this foreign demeanor, but he was impossible to read. Kuroo ran a hand through his hair, and you noticed that his fingers were trembling.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to leave me.”

Your jaw fell slack. Kuroo dropped his lips into a flat line, his eyes falling closed against his candid admission.

“When really,” he continued, voice quiet, “by not telling you, I’ve been pushing you away this whole fucking time.”

You shuddered out a breath, eyes wide and locked on Kuroo’s face. You knew you were staring, but you couldn’t help it. Kuroo fidgeted under your gaze, eyes tilting up through heavy lashes like he was trying to hide behind their shade. You felt your body soften. Kuroo’s words seeped into your veins and corroded the anger bubbling inside you until it fizzed out into a clear and concentrated desire to fix this. Fix him. Fix everything that had gone so terribly wrong. You didn’t even know if you could, but you wanted to try.

“Kuroo,” you started, but Kuroo held up a hand and his name evaporated on your lips as you fell silent. He pushed your legs from where they rested against his thighs so that he could turn to fully face you on the couch.

“I can’t imagine myself without you,” he started. “These last few weeks have shown me that. I’ve been fucking miserable and you’ve been so distant, but it felt too late to fix it, I guess. But after this morning, I just...” Kuroo trailed off, lips twisting as he gnawed on the inside of his cheek. You hesitantly reached out and took his left hand in yours, squeezing what you hoped to be a comforting pressure against his palm.

“I can’t lose you, Y/N, not right now.”

You felt your hand instantly tense around his. Your mind went into overdrive, grasping desperately at solutions, anything to rid his voice of the deep despondency you weren’t used to hearing.

“Well, what about long-distance?”

Kuroo looked at you, exasperated. “Do you know the time difference?”

“I can wake up early,” you pressed. “It’s not totally out of the question.”

Kuroo scoffed, but there wasn’t any venom in his tone. He sounded more tired than anything else. “I’m supposed to be there for you, Y/N, but I really don’t see how I can do that from halfway across the world.”

The two of you sat in silence, letting the truth of his words dissipate into the space between you.

“I haven’t made a decision yet, by the way. About the program. I still have a few more weeks.”

You pulled your hand from his and fixed him with a stern look. “You have to do it, Kuroo,” you said, voice even. “There’s no other option, we both know that.”

Kuroo sighed and dropped his head against the back of the couch. “There’s always an option, Y/N. I wouldn’t feel so completely torn up inside if there wasn’t. Making the decision feels,” he paused, working the words around his mouth as he tried to choose the right one.

“Impossible.” He flicked his wrist as he said it. “Making the decision feels impossible.”

 _Bullshit_. You wanted to tell him that was absolute and total bullshit. You wanted to yell in his face that he was being an idiot, that regardless of his feelings for you, or your feelings for him, he couldn’t just reject this opportunity. You wouldn’t let him. You would never forgive yourself if he chose your relationship over his ambition. But more than any of that, you wanted to tell him that you were sorry. Sorry for the past month, the fighting, the ignored texts and silenced calls. Sorry for the distance that had pushed itself between the two of you. Sorry for things he didn’t even know about. Sorry for Kenma and Tendou and the choices you had made that led you here.

Kuroo shifted against the couch and cleared his throat, pulling you from your internal tussle between what felt right and what was necessary.

“Please stay with me, at least for now. I know I’m being selfish but—”

Kuroo hiccuped around the last word and he brought his hand up to cover his mouth, as if he was trying to physically suppress a fresh wave of emotion. The air felt thin around you, like you couldn’t manage a full breath.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Thoughts of Kenma and Tendou still flickered in the corners of your mind, floating into view and making it hard to concentrate. The whole reason you had turned to Kenma was because you thought Kuroo had been falling out of love with you, that he was just too dense or disinterested or _cowardly_ to actually break off the relationship. Turns out he was just trying to save both of you from future heartbreak.

You finally nodded, not trusting yourself to form words. Kuroo shook his head.

“Please,” he whispered. “Tell me you won’t leave. I need to hear it.”

“I won’t.” Your voice was thin, too thin and too unsure, and you knew that wouldn’t do. You watched Kuroo’s eyes shimmer in the low light of the living room. They were glassy with a sadness so pure that you knew, regardless of whether you fully believed the words yourself, Kuroo needed this from you. You paused, steadying your nerves and your conviction before meeting Kuroo’s eyes again.

“Kuroo, I won’t leave you, okay? I promise.”

Kuroo was still, and for a moment paranoia gripped you tight. Had that been enough? You edged forward on the couch and dropped your lips against his forehead, bringing a gentle hand up to cup his jaw. You felt his lips part, warm breath fanning out over neck. You paused for a beat, then pulled back to level your gaze with his, trying to read his emotions.

But then a heavy sigh shook itself from his chest, and Kuroo leaned in, skimming his lips against yours as he nodded once, a small movement, but enough to give you the confirmation you needed. You sighed into his mouth and pressed a little harder, encouraging the action, and that seemed to be all it took.

*****

In an instant Kuroo’s lips smothered yours, slick with desire and desperation. You slid your tongue against his, reveling in the taste, exploring the sweetness of his mouth. You couldn’t remember the last time he had kissed you so fervently, tongue and teeth and torrid breath overwhelming your mouth with an urgency that made you weak.

Kuroo reached out and pulled you onto his lap, your thighs stretching to settle on either side of his strong body. His tongue traced a wet line across your jaw, down your neck, and you felt your pulse thrum out of beat under his lips as he took your skin between his teeth and bit down. _Hard_.

“Shit—”

You let your head fall back but Kuroo’s hand slid up to catch it, his fingers twisting into your hair and using the new leverage to expose more of your neck to his impatient lips. You ran an unsteady hand over his cheek, feeling the tear tracks still staining his skin, and your heart pulled tight in your chest.

“Kuroo, I’m so sorry,” you whispered, voice trembling as you tried to atone for the secrets you were still harboring.

There was no way you could tell Kuroo about, well, _anything_ that had happened earlier. Not tonight, not when he had just changed the entire landscape of the relationship, uprooted your assumptions about his behavior and left your perception of his feelings for you in muddled disarray. Speaking of feelings, you didn’t even know _what_ you were feeling anymore. You were upset, unsure, and completely drained by the mess of conflicting emotions that had built up over the course of the past few hours. But Kuroo’s unexpected vulnerability had drowned out the chaos seething in your mind, and all you knew was that a boy who you loved was sitting below you, eyes tear-soaked and swollen, hands gripping at your waist like he was scared you were going to disappear.

You fought down the emotion building in your throat and pressed a kiss into the curve of his ear. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Kuroo’s lips move to your collarbone. “I’m sorry, too.” The words ghosted across your skin. “I know I should’ve told you when I found out.”

You shook your head, opening your mouth to protest against his apology, but at that moment Kuroo dragged his teeth across the soft skin just below your ear and you swallowed hard around a rough gasp. You tilted your head and brushed your nose against his hair, the familiar smell of orange flower and cardamom overwhelming your senses, flooding your body with warmth. You wanted, no, _needed_ , more. More friction, more pressure, more of his burning skin against yours.

Kuroo abruptly stood and you slipped from his lap, the balls of your feet making contact with the carpet, lips pulling into a slight frown at the sudden absence of his body against yours. He ran his hands through your hair and cupped the nape of your neck, pulling you into a deep kiss as he gently nudged you backward. You stumbled blindly, letting him guide you across the living room and towards your bed.

Outside, the sun dipped below the river, coating your apartment in the indigo darkness of early evening. You flipped on the bedside lamp as Kuroo lifted the hem of his shirt over his head, the light washing over his body in a hushed luminescence. You were completely transfixed by the way his muscles tensed under tanned skin, dark jeans hanging low from perfectly angled hip bones. Kuroo turned to you, gently pulling your own shirt off before wrapping his hands around your waist and lowering you onto the bed.

“ _Kuroo_ ,” you breathed out as you felt his hands deftly flip open the button of your pants and tug them down your legs. Kuroo brushed the tips of his fingers against your bare thighs, drawing out goosebumps from your sensitive skin and making your head spin.

“Hmm,” Kuroo leaned down to press his lips against the corner of your mouth, the hum melting into your flushed skin. He began to move down your body, trailing a string of kisses as he went, littering marks across your chest and stomach. When he reached your underwear, Kuroo took the waistband in his teeth and pulled. You lifted your hips slightly off the mattress, allowing him to pull the fabric all the way off your body in one swift motion. Kuroo placed his hands beneath your thighs and lifted your legs to rest atop his broad shoulders. You felt a scorching passion instantly ignite in your veins, and _God_ had you missed this feeling.

Kuroo’s eyes flickered up to meet yours and you drank in his hypnotic expression, eyelids wilting in the darkness, pupils blown black. You felt intoxicated; drunk off the way his eyes raked over your body, and hopelessly addicted to his touch.

Without breaking eye contact, Kuroo began to trace up your inner thighs, continuing to edge closer to your core and unraveling your composure a little more with every brush of his fingers. You felt your body shudder in response, and you would’ve let yourself feel more embarrassed had Kuroo not exhaled an appreciative sigh upon seeing your involuntary reaction.

Suddenly the tips of Kuroo’s fingers were pressing against your entrance and you exhaled, forceful and needy, as a searing heat spread across your lower back.

“Kuroo, _please_.” You weren’t above begging at this point.

Kuroo chuckled, a smirk blooming on his lips as he watched you with a crisp intensity.

“What was that, sweetheart?” Kuroo teased his fingers around your center, down your thighs and back up, before leisurely retracting his hand. “I can’t give you what you want unless you tell me.”

You breathed out what was intended as a scoff, but sounded a lot more like a whine than you cared to admit. Of-fucking- _course_ Kuroo was going to make you work for this. Lucky for him, you were just desperate enough that you were willing to play along.

“Please, _Tetsu_ ,” you purred, bringing your hand down to brush his hair from his eyes, letting the syllables of his name slip listlessly from your lips. “I want to feel you inside me.”

A moan rumbled deep in Kuroo’s chest and he wasted no time acquiescing to your request. He sunk two fingers into you, sending a blazing flare down your spine, through your veins, and into your fingertips as they fisted tight in his hair. You tried to breathe out Kuroo’s name again, but it frayed into a whimper as he pressed further. You turned your head sharply against the pillow, eyes squeezing shut against the irresistible feeling of Kuroo’s fingers.

Kuroo paused, pressing wet kisses into your inner thighs as he lightly pulsed his fingers into you, letting you adjust to the sensation. Just as your breathing settled into a somewhat acceptable pace, all things considered, Kuroo curled his fingers inside you and your vision blurred.

You swallowed back a low groan as your body arched against his adept touch. Kuroo continued the tantalizing pattern, pressing in and out and curling a steady pressure against that exact spot he knew so well, until you could feel your body rattling around his touch.

“Tetsu,” you gasped, choking around his name as Kuroo increased his pace slightly. You were quickly unraveling, much too quickly for your liking. No, this wouldn’t do.

“Tetsu, I—”

Kuroo curled his fingers again, harder, more determined. The pressure in your body swelled as your mind began to cloud with pleasure.

“What is it, darling,” Kuroo mumbled against your thigh, his mouth currently busy pulling a dark bruise to the surface of your skin.

You lifted yourself onto your elbows and used your grip in his hair to angle his eyes towards yours.

“I need,” you started, trying to catch your breath and detangle your words from the desire knotted thick your throat. “I need _all_ of you.”

Kuroo paused, lips parted, eyes instantly igniting with blistering lust at your words. He nodded in acknowledgment, withdrawing his fingers and reaching across your body to grab a condom from the nightstand drawer.

You felt your heart stutter against your rib cage as you watched him tear the packet with his teeth and slide on the latex. Then Kuroo was gripping your hips and pulling your body closer, sheets rustling against your skin until you were right below him, so close you could feel the heat emanating from his body. You let your eyes dance across the graceful swell of his collarbone, down the heaving expanse of his chest, the taut lines of his defined stomach—

“Look at me.”

You flicked your eyes back up to Kuroo’s face and, _fuck_ , his eyes were impossibly dark, shaded by disheveled hair and hazy with desire and _so_ _focused_ on your face. The way he observed you, your body, your reactions, was so attentive and so determined that it felt like you were the only thing that mattered to him. After his confession tonight, maybe you were. Kuroo’s lips slit into a smirk as he dropped them against yours, tongue teasing along the pout of your bottom lip and brushing against your teeth.

“Much better.” Kuroo licked into your open mouth, capturing your lips in a deep kiss that sent another spike of heat down your spine, settling in your core. You heard yourself whine into his eager mouth, but it was fine, no it was better than fine, because Kuroo exhaled a groan in response and rolled his hips into yours, slipping into you so achingly slow that you could _feel_ yourself opening around him. You instinctively bit back a moan.

“No, no,” Kuroo murmured, hand moving to grasp around your jaw. He squeezed, his fingers rough against your cheeks, and your mouth dropped open. “I wanna hear how good I’m making you feel.”

You felt your skin flush at his words. Kuroo flexed his hand around your jaw once again before releasing your face, fingertips flitting across your cheekbone as he moved to rest his hand on the bed next to your head.

Kuroo began to grind into you, coaxing moans from your lips with every snap of his hips. You fisted one hand into the bedsheets and gripped onto his bicep with the other, fingers wrapping around the elaborate koi inked into his skin. When you first started dating you had asked Kuroo the meaning behind the tattoo, but he had brushed it off as family tradition, saying that nearly every relative had a koi inked somewhere on their skin. You drug your nails across the intricate pattern, tracing along seams of muscle, up around his shoulder and onto his back, feeling tendons flex under your touch.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he groaned, so rough and so low in his throat that you could swear you felt the word grind against your bones. “You feel so _good_.”

You pressed your nails even harder into his skin and he dropped his forehead against yours, breath hot against your face as he brought your bottom lip into his mouth. You whined as his teeth pulled at your skin, bucking your hips against his and deepening the angle at which he pushed into you.

Heavy sighs ricocheted off the shadowed walls, a carnal hunger pulsing through the thick air. Your blood was rushing, hot and eager, through your veins as heat pooled in your stomach, seething forward and threatening to overflow with every thrust that Kuroo buried into you. You could feel the muscles in his legs begin to flex, knees bending against the pressure you were certain was building fast within him. It was then that Kuroo’s right hand laced itself around your neck as he supported himself with his left, hips stuttering slightly as his pace increased. He pressed softly against the sides of your throat and you groaned, gripping at the tangled sheet beneath you as a shock of pleasure tore through you. Kuroo dropped his lips to your neck, kissing rough against your skin.

“Yes, sweetheart,” he breathed out. “Moan for me.”

Kuroo’s lewd words set your body ablaze, slipping into your mind and swathing over coherent thought until you could only focus on his voice, his touch, the way he felt inside you, filling you, and—

“I wanna hear your pretty little voice.”

That final praise was all it took to unravel the aching tension banded around your quivering muscles. Kuroo moved his lips to your ear, a string of explicit whispers brushing against your skin, breath caressing the fragile bend near the base of your jaw, and you let the quiet murmur of his voice guide you to completion.

As you pulsed around him, Kuroo’s hips dipped into an irregular rhythm, his head lolling forward into the curve of your neck. You heard his teeth grind against each other as his jaw pressed into the swell of your collarbone, his entire body tensing as he came inside you.

Your bodies pressed hard against one another as waves of heat fractured through you, moans surging from your lips and into the air, pleasure flooding your nerves and drowning all rational thought. It was pure bliss, and you never wanted it to end.

Eventually, you felt Kuroo’s muscles loosen under your tight grip and his breath steady against your neck. You let your arms unwind from his shoulders and he pressed a tender kiss to your cheek before collapsing onto the bed, draping one hand across your stomach.

*

The two of you lay together in dewy silence for several minutes before you sluggishly pushed yourself up onto one elbow, looking over at Kuroo resting beside you. His eyes pulled open as the bed dipped against your movement, wandering idly across your body, glazed with a content expression. You pulled the corner of your lips up into a half-smile.

Kuroo reached a finger towards your side, tracing a gentle line across your skin. “I love you, sweetheart,” he hummed, voice low and unhurried, clotted with sleep and post-sex satisfaction. “I know you know that, but you don’t deserve the way I was treating you, and I’m so sor—”

“Kuroo Tetsurou, if you apologize to me one more time, I swear...”

Kuroo’s tired eyes widened, lighting with playfulness. “Oh? What are you gonna do? Punish m—”

You reached below you and extracted a pillow, lofting it into the air and bringing it down against his head before he could finish the thought.

“HEY!”

Kuroo reached out to grab you but exhaustion slowed his reaction just enough for you to evade his grasp. You laughed as you sat up and stretched, muscles burning in the best way.

“I’ll be right back,” you said, as you stood and made your way over to your dresser to grab a t-shirt. “Bathroom.”

“I’ll be here.” The words swam lazily from Kuroo’s lips, like it was taking all his effort to stay conscious. He pulled one eye shut in a drowsy attempt at a wink before rolling onto his side and sinking deeper into the mess of sheets.

You smiled to yourself and padded off to the hallway, taking a brief detour to grab your phone from your coat pocket where you had left it earlier. You unlocked the screen as you pulled the bathroom door shut behind you, scrolling through a few messages as you grabbed your toothbrush and sat on the toilet.

It was in that moment, half-dressed with toothpaste bubbling from your lips, that you remembered exactly why you had been avoiding your phone in the first place.

One glance at Kenma’s contact and your fear was confirmed. Hours later, hours past when the two of you were supposed to meet, he still hadn’t responded. Your thumb hovered over the chat, not wanting to open it and see those four letters again.

Read. ****

“Oh, get a fucking grip,” you muttered under your breath as you stood up to spit in the sink. Kenma hadn’t responded. Big fucking deal. Sure, maybe a part of you had been hoping that he would have by now, at least to tell you he was canceling your study date. And yes, a response would’ve done wonders to tame the anxiety prickling incessantly below your skin. But Kuroo, your _boyfriend_ , was lying peaceful and pleased in your bed and that was the only thing you were going to allow yourself to think about for the rest of the night. The rest of your chaotic life could wait.

You crept back to your bed, being careful not to wake a now-sleeping Kuroo as you slid between the sheets and adjusted your pillows under your head. You set your phone face down on the nightstand, as if that would somehow stop you from driving yourself mad overthinking Kenma’s silence.

The bare branches of a tree grazed against the glass of the window next to your bed, and for the first time you noticed the full moon. It seemed to sit restlessly against the starless sky, illuminating the quiet banks of the river. A light snow had just begun to fall, dusting the outside world in a delicate sheen. You rolled over, extending your right arm and grasping the edge of the shade, pulling it shut against the stark moonlight and growing storm.

You retracted back under the covers, your room silent aside from the steady rise and fall of Kuroo’s breath. Sighing, you rolled over so that your back faced him, pulling the sheet up to your chin. Thoughts of nicotine kisses, feline eyes, and inked skin swarmed your tired mind, shrouding you in a suffocating guilt that eventually gave way to a dreamless sleep.

— — —

The next morning you were woken unceremoniously by Kuroo stumbling around in the dark, searching blindly for his clothes that were littered across the floor.

“Fuck,” he muttered as you sat up in bed. “I promise I was trying to be quiet.”

You breathed out a laugh, rubbing the sleep from your eyes before reaching out to grab your phone off of the nightstand. You tapped the screen, squinting against the light as you checked the time. “It’s alright, I have class in an hour anyway.”

Kuroo moved to sit on the edge of your bed, lacing his fingers through your mussed hair and pulling you into a kiss. You closed your eyes as his mouth moved along your jawline, reveling in the soft touch of his lips contrasted by his firm grip at the base of your neck. He pressed kisses into your cheek, your forehead, both eyelids, the tip of your nose. As he explored your features with the gentle caress of his mouth, you felt so comfortable that you almost forgot the mess you had created for yourself.

Almost.

Kuroo brought his lips back to yours, brushing them together before pulling back slightly.

“You’re so adorable in the mornings, you know?” he mumbled into your mouth, eyes lifting to meet yours in the dark. “I missed this.”

You hummed in agreement, letting your head fall onto his bare shoulder to avoid his gaze, fingers tracing along the outline of the koi tattoo on his right arm. You desperately wanted to pretend that everything was alright, that all your problems were fixed. You wanted to curl up in his arms, blow off class, and just enjoy each other's company, untainted by the realities that threatened to break down the bond you had just rebuilt. But you knew the truth wasn’t that easy. Just because the two of you had temporarily patched over your issues, that didn’t make the fact that Kuroo was potentially leaving for an entire year any easier to process. It sure as hell didn’t suddenly erase how you felt about Kenma, or the way your body reacted when Tendou kissed you outside the cafe.

You fiddled absentmindedly with the edge of Kuroo’s grey boxers. “I missed this, too,” you whispered into his warm skin, and Kuroo turned his head to nuzzle against your hair. You decided that feigning normalcy would be an easier route to take, even if it would inevitably make things harder for the two of you down the line.

You and Kuroo spent the next thirty minutes bustling around your apartment in comfortable silence, slowly getting ready for the day. You started a pot of instant coffee as he scoured the bathroom for his spare toothbrush. He dressed in yesterday’s clothes while you threw on a hoodie of questionable cleanliness and stuffed your laptop into your backpack. You forced your feet into your sneakers, refusing to untie the laces out of pure laziness, making Kuroo laugh as he handed you a travel mug with your coffee.

“Plus oat milk and 2 packs of sugar,” he recited with smug satisfaction as he placed a quick kiss on the corner of your mouth. “I’m gonna study here for a bit but I’ll make sure to lock up before leaving.”

You took a sip of the coffee, a pleasant warmth running through your body from both the hot beverage and the fact that Kuroo always remembered exactly how to make it for you. “Stay as long as you want, I’ll be gone for a few hours but text me if you want to do something later.”

He gave you an enthusiastic mock salute as you stepped out of your apartment, swinging the door closed behind you and pulling your phone from your pocket.

“Shit,” you muttered under your breath. Class started in less than ten minutes and you had to make it to the other side of campus. You popped in your earbuds and pressed play on a podcast while taking the stairs two at a time, your heavy footsteps echoing through the stairwell.

Frosty air nipped at your face as you rushed out the front door of your building and down the street. A thick layer of snow obscured nearly everything in sight, undisturbed and pristine. It weighed heavy on the bare trees that lined the walk to campus, branches bowing in the breeze as soft powder shook loose onto the sleeves of your coat. It crossed your mind that the river had likely frozen over during the storm. You’d have to ask Kenma and Kuroo if they wanted to go skating sometime.

When you finally arrived at the quad, you were five minutes late and panting, the heavy layers of winter clothes bundled around you suddenly suffocating in their warmth. The yard was empty aside from a few other late students hurrying along the paths that snaked through the dead grass and up into the bordering buildings, their footsteps muffled by the snow piles that had been cleared from the walkways in the early hours of the morning.

“Y/N!”

You thought you heard someone call your name as you approached the lecture hall, but figured you must have misheard the podcast playing in your ears and dashed up the steps in front of you.

“Y/N, wait!”

A figure suddenly appeared at your side, breath heavy from jogging to catch up to you. They pulled their beanie off, shaking out black hair with a vibrant streak of blonde mixed in.

“Noya!” You exclaimed, drawing your scarf away from your mouth. “Shit, I’m so sorry, I couldn’t hear you.” You motioned at your ears as you took out your headphones.

“You’re good,” he dismissed, pulling open the door for you. The two of you stepped into the warm building and unzipped your coats.

“Sorry, I’m running super late so I can’t really talk,” you said as you glanced down the hallway to see the door to your lecture hall already closed, a sign that class had started.

“Same, same” he quipped. “I just wanted to ask you something quickly.”

You nodded for him to continue as you shifted your weight, trying to suppress the urge to sprint down the hallway and into the classroom before your delayed arrival would be too noticeable.

“You saw Asahi yesterday right?” Noya’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts and you gave him a confused look.

“We got coffee together,” you nodded. “Wasn’t he with you in the library before that?” You watched as Noya fiddled with the zipper on his coat, his fingertips stained red from the cold.

“Yeah, and he was supposed to come back but he never showed. I barely finished my paper in time without him,” Noya chuckled, but the smile didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“So you’re saying he never met back up with you?”

Noya shook his head. “He didn’t answer any of my texts last night and I still haven’t been able to get a hold of him today.” He pulled his phone from the pocket of his sweatpants and glanced at it before looking up again, eyes searching your face. “I just wanted to see if you knew anything.”

 _Had something been off with Asahi?_ You had been so lost in your own thoughts after seeing Kenma outside Coffee Monster that you couldn’t really remember what Asahi had said, but you were certain nothing stood out as especially strange.

“Honestly nothing seemed wrong yesterday,” you said, eyebrows pulling together in thought. “He ran off to see you after we finished our drinks, but maybe something came up? I can’t think of any other reason for him to flake, especially with you.”

“Yeah I was thinking the same thing,” Noya said, brushing his fringe from his forehead. “But it’s just not like him to forget to text me, ya know?”

You nodded, remembering the four grey letters that still sat waiting under your text to Kenma. Blinking away the mental image, you reached out and rested your hand on Noya’s shoulder. “Look, it’s totally normal to worry but I doubt anything’s wrong. Just try calling him again after class.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Noya sighed and leaned his head to the side, hair brushing against your hand. “I’ll shoot him another text now and then try again when class lets out. His first lecture isn’t until 2 P.M. anyway so he’s probably sleeping.”

“See, everything’s fine,” you said, giving him a playful jab before withdrawing your hand. “We both know that man sleeps like a bear.”

Noya chuckled softly as he started walking towards the stairs. “Thanks, Y/N. Now you better get to class or you’re gonna get participation points docked.”

“Oh speak for yourself, Noya,” you shot back with a smile, playfully flipping him off as you hurried down the hallway towards your classroom. You made a mental note to shoot Asahi a quick text as you approached the door. The dulcet tone of your professor’s voice carried into the hallway and you paused, straightening your hoodie and composing yourself before reaching out to grab the handle. The metal was cold against your skin, and as you pulled open the heavy door the old hinges let out a shrill whine.

Nearly 50 sets of eyes locked onto you as you made your way into the lecture hall, but there was one pair, golden and feline, that was noticeably avoiding the doorway altogether.

_Great, now I have to deal with this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for being here, and HUGE apologies for how delayed this update was. I just moved across the country and changed roles at work so my personal life was quite a mess lol, but I am so grateful for your patience and support. See you next chapter (which is already in the works!)


End file.
